Tuesday, September 23, 2008

A week at the Gym...sent to me in an email by a friend.


This is dedicated to everyone who

ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine.

Dear Diary,

For my birthday this year, my
daughter (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at
the local health club for me.

Although I am still in great shape
since being a high school football cheerleader 43 years ago,
I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a

I called the club and made my
reservations with a personal trainer named Belinda, who
identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and
model for athletic clothing and swim wear.

My daughter seemed pleased with my
enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a
diary to chart my progress.

Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to
get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I
arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me.
She is something of a Greek goddess - with blond hair,
dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!

Belinda gave me a tour and showed me
the machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which
she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.
Very inspiring!

Belinda was encouraging as I did my
sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it
in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a

I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I
finally made it out the door. Belinda made me lie on my back
and push a heavy iron bar into the air then she put weights
on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I
made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it
all worthwhile.. I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life
for me.

The only way I can brush my teeth is
by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth
back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both
pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to
steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking

Belinda was impatient with me,
insisting that my screams bothered other club members. Her
voice is a l ittle too perky for that early in the morning
and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is
VERY annoying.

My chest hurt when I got on the
treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the
hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity
rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would
help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other
shit too.

Belinda was waiting for me with her
vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were
pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a
half an hour late - it took me that long to tie my shoes.

Belinda took me to work out with
dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the
restroom. She sent another skinny bitch to find me.

Then, as punishment, she put me on
the rowing machine -- which I sank.

I hate that bitch Belinda more than
any human being has ever hated any other human being in the
history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic
little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could
move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it.

Belinda wanted me to work on my
triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't
want dents in the floor, don't hand me the damn barbells
or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.

The treadmill flung me off and I
landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't
it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir


Belinda left a message on my
answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering
why I did not show up today. Just hearing her voice made me
want to smash the machine with my planner; however, I lacked
the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching
eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.

I'm having the Church van pick me
up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this
week is over. I will also pray that next year my daughter
(the little shit) will choose a gift for me that is fun --
like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had
wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor
with diamonds!!!


willow said...

FUN-eee!!! Thanks for the giggles. I finally started my walking routine yesterday and over did it. I'm feeling a little sore today and could really relate to this post!

OH MY #6 said...

Oh my gosh, u have made my day! too, too, funny!


Keri said...

I was laughing out loud at this! Thanks for posting it.


Rebecca Ramsey said...

My husband bought a family membership at the gym and this reminded me why I don't ever go, and walk the dog instead!

My Castle in Spain said...

Yoli..this is so hilarious ! I almost had a similar experience to this. so now, i quietly do my own 20mn of gym at home (hum...nearly everyday..)and that's enough !

A Cuban In London said...

Brilliant! I love Belinda! :-D

Greetings from London.

Margaret Miracle said...

I laughed so hard that I believe I have tightened my abs enough for one day!!! Too funny!

Annie Coe said...

great post, made me laugh and that is not easy today.